Blake On Love

A blog all about one thing

Terrible Dating Profiles #9

Terrible Dating Profiles #9

Guess who's back, back again.

Yes, Terrible Dating Profiles is back, after a month-long hiatus.

I apologise for the silence. What happened was I started dating again, and it went so well that's prompted a break from dating!

Dating really takes a toll on my happiness and mental wellbeing. I wish it didn't, but I just get too into it. I know, I'm fully aware I take it far too seriously.

When I was on my previous dating break, I was still on the apps to collect terrible profiles for this blog. But inevitably, that meant I still engaged in a few dating app conversations.

No more. I am on a proper bonafide dating break and this means I have DELETED the apps (!!). And you know what, it's brilliant. I'm so happy. So for a full month, I'm not going to put myself out there, not go to any dating events, not be online. This is a month for me. And then when I'm ready, I might try meeting people by actually starting real life conversations with them.

I know, MADNESS.

This is probably temporary, but that means if you want to see more Terrible Dating Profile blog posts, please do send in the gobshites you've seen online to me on whatever platform you desire.

The profiles this week are all guest-submitted - and there are some real scumbags here...

SABRINA

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Sabrina - submitted by Josh - proves that it's not just men who create Terrible Dating Profiles.

Have you seen her lovely secret message hidden in her profile yet? I'll give you a clue: read the first word of every sentence.

Stay classy, Sabrina.

I would have at least given her marks for creativity but the description she's hidden the delightful offer in doesn't even make sense.

Moving on from her shallow admission that she requires constant presents to even make her SMILE let alone act pleasantly, WHY is it her job to teach you a lesson?? And why is that lesson only to make you shut up once she's been spurned? It doesn't seem particularly relevant. When one 'messes' with someone, does one become loquacious?

I'm reading too much into this, aren't I?

GIUSEPPE

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And then you went and spoiled it all by writing stupid like 'and a fuck buddy haha'.

Oh, Giuseppe. Why ruin an otherwise normal, even quite attractive, profile?

Australian - always interested to meet people from other nations, plus accent points.

Italian heritage - always a bonus, major points. 

New puppy - 1,000,000 points.

Likes walking and wants to walk dog with a date - good, lots of points.

Use of the term 'fuck buddy' - MINUS A BILLION POINTS.

Look, I get that a lot of people use Tinder for this purpose. And there's nothing wrong with that, if that's what you're looking for.

So why, then, do I find this so offensive?

I think it's the term itself. I find 'fuck buddy' incredibly degrading. It's reducing a potential companion, friend or even a ONS, if that's what you're looking for, from a human being with a personality to a body that you want to do as you please with.

Ew.

Apologies, I can't find who it was that sent this profile to me but I'll credit you if you get in touch!

RAFFAELE

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Hahahahahahahahaaa.

Oh my god.

Haahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha.

This is the epitome of a dating app wanker.

Less painfully offensive than the guys who show off their abs and make it absolutely clear that they are only interested in one thing about you, the dating app wanker pretends that he is a cool, adventurous soul who wants to form a really meaningful connection with the person he wants to have casual sex with.

He'll have arty pictures of himself in glamorous locations in his profile, probably with his back turned to the camera in a few of them, as well as a few 'action' shots of him skiing/snowboarding/riding a camel/surfing/wrestling with tigers [delete as appropriate].

They're all candid, his pictures, with him looking wistfully off into the distance. If he does have posed shots, they'll be against a very cool backdrop like a helicopter on a snow-covered mountain.

His description will list the countries he's travelled to, and a few of the adventures he's been on. He may even post an inspirational message about how life is too short to not go for what you want, or how you have to make the most of every moment.

Raffaele wins the prize for best dating app wanker of the year, however, for his somehow not ironic admission that he is always astonishing himself, presumably with how wonderful and adventurous he is.

But you know, Raffaele and I have a lot in common. I always astonish myself too.

When I trip over the same paving slab on my walk to work every goddamn morning, and when I turn around and manage to knock over EVERY item on a desk or table, I just think: 'Wow. I am astonishing.'

But that's not what makes life worth living. Making fun of Terrible Dating Profiles created by dating app wankers is.

Apologies, I can't find who it was that sent this profile to me but I'll credit you if you get in touch!

Please send any terrible dating profiles you've seen on a dating app recently to me at imogengblake@gmail.com either anonymously or with the name you want me to credit the image with.

I muzz all personal details including faces from dating profiles to protect the privacy of the unsuspecting people who made them.

I am a straight cis woman so my posts will be of terrible male profiles - but guest submissions are welcome and encouraged from absolutely everyone. It would be wonderful to roast as diverse a range of terrible dating profiles as possible :)


 

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