Terrible Dating Profiles #6
I'm really, really enjoying this break from dating. I don't have to stress about why guys I don't even care about haven't messaged me back, or wonder why someone I seemed to click with doesn't want a second date with me. It's wonderful.
If I didn't have an innate drive to find the love of my life, I'd probably stop going on the apps forever.
Alas, however, I am still a ridiculous romantic who cries at that first 10 minutes of the Pixar film Up and sighs longingly when reading the scene in Pride and Prejudice for the 40th times where Mr Darcy makes his second proposal to Elizabeth Bennett. So I'll probably have to start again sooner or later.
But for the time being, I am thoroughly enjoying the truly single life. It has also thrown into sharp relief just how many terrible profiles there are out there.
So without further ado, here are this week's top scumbags!
For fuck's sake, James.
It started off so well for you. 'You're so cute' - a lovely compliment. I mean, personally, I feel a bit weird when the very first message someone sends is a comment on my appearance, just because it usually has a creepy vibe to it, but saying someone looks cute is always a nice thing to say, sure.
And then you had to spoil it all by saying something disgustingly insidious like 'I almost feel bad thinking about the things I would do to you' to A COMPLETE STRANGER, JAMES. SOMEONE WHO DON'T KNOW. AND HAVE NEVER SPOKEN TO BEFORE.
This was submitted by my friend Jenny. Run, Jenny. Run for the hills and never look back!!!
Look, I'm not playing down the importance of a good set of teeth. I mean, I wouldn't say no to someone, personally, if they needed a bit of dental work, but I appreciate it's a preference for some people.
However when your only two criteria for a potential date are good teeth and a 'great personality' - despite you not supplying any evidence of any kind of personality at all - then I take issue.
The two just seem sort of at odds with each other. OK, you want someone with personality - who doesn't though, right!? - but you're also shallow enough to make 'good teeth' your top priority.
Maybe I've been on the apps too long (no, scratch that, I definitely have) but I'm also suspicious of anyone who feels the need to state they're looking for someone with a good personality. I really feel like this should be a given!? It always makes me think they must not have one...
When I showed my best mate this profile, she asked: 'What's wrong with Dev? It's just a picture of his back.'
That's how it starts, my friend. The Devs of this world, they lower your expectations with odd, boulder-like photos of their muscly backs, one in a string of photos they've uploaded to Tinder that show off their honed physique but carefully hide their face.
They leave their profiles blank, presumably because they think you'll be so in awe of their beauty that you don't even care if they have any interests outside of being a beefcake.
And before you know it, they've started posting naked photos on their profiles, and they're arrogantly boasting about their sexual prowess and what they promise to do to you, leaving a whiff of sexual aggression in their wake.
You're so disgusted that you think, hey. Maybe the guy with the stupid photo of his enormous boulder back and nothing on his profile wasn't so bad.
WAKE UP, SHEEPLE. WE'RE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS.
Dev may not be the worst Terrible Profile you've ever seen.
But we must fight the urge to dismiss the Devs of Tinder, saying: 'Eh, it's not awful, and maybe it'd be nice to spoon that boulder back'.
NO! We can do better. We must.
Have I mentioned I hate dating?
Please send any terrible dating profiles you've seen on a dating app recently to me at firstname.lastname@example.org either anonymously or with the name you want me to credit the image with.
I muzz all personal details including faces from dating profiles to protect the privacy of the unsuspecting people who made them.
I am a straight cis woman so my posts will be of terrible male profiles - but guest submissions are welcome and encouraged from absolutely everyone. It would be wonderful to roast as diverse a range of terrible dating profiles as possible :)