Terrible Dating Profiles #7
'You're like Bridget Jones but hotter and good at your job'.
My friend Sarah said this to me this week and while *definitely* an overstatement, it is the kindest things anyone has ever said to me.
I mean she did say it while we were discussing my complete and utter shambles of a love life, but hey, you can't have it all.
As I'm still technically on the apps for this blog, sometimes, when I'm bored, I flick through and smile as I reject 100 mediocre men in a go. Very satisfying.
But occasionally I swipe right on a real hunk. But even if I get chatting to them, and that's certainly not guaranteed, I find that the conversation soon fizzles out. No-one seems to be putting in the energy or effort anymore, including me.
Luckily, the truly terrible profiles are still very, very entertaining. Hope you enjoy these shitbags too!
No seriously, what? I guess this is a privacy thing?
But if you're so keen to protect your identity - WHY then do you have a photo of your face on the app!?
PEOPLE ARE SO WEIRD, I HATE DATING.
Picture the scene. I'm on the bus, on the top deck, casually swiping through Tinder profiles after a long, tiring day at work.
They're all pretty normal: your standard bunch of selfies, snowboarding photos, and topless pictures.
And then, BAM!! Full frontal crotch shot! Right in my face!
The rest of David's photos were very normal, if a bit too shirtless for my tastes.
So David, let me give you some advice. No matter how ripped you are and how attractive your torso is: no woman wants to be confronted with a full frontal crotch shot when it's your first Tinder picture.
Another guy who can't submit their real name into the 'name' box on Tinder. What is it with these men?
Anyway, as you might have hazarded from the profile description of 'come smoke with me' and the photo of him lighting up a fat one, Gov aka Nick smokes what I often describe as 'suspicious cigarettes' when writing lifestyle content.
Come on Gov, we're not in high school anymore. Gone are the days when you could impress anyone, let alone a woman, by simply smoking a J.
Are you actually 16, Gov?
Ahh Barukh, I'm sure if you saw this post you'd laugh off that last line about how your date will be buying the drinks if they don't look like their picture as a hilarious joke.
But it's not, is it. You actually mean it.
I've seen so many profiles stating about how dates 'don't look like their pictures' yet in the same breath, they say they 'don't want just a pretty face' or 'want a great personality'.
Look, guys, you're either shallow or you're not. Why not try seeing the beauty in someone's imperfections?
You might realise they're not imperfections at all, they're what make someone beautiful.
Please send any terrible dating profiles you've seen on a dating app recently to me at firstname.lastname@example.org either anonymously or with the name you want me to credit the image with.
I muzz all personal details including faces from dating profiles to protect the privacy of the unsuspecting people who made them.
I am a straight cis woman so my posts will be of terrible male profiles - but guest submissions are welcome and encouraged from absolutely everyone. It would be wonderful to roast as diverse a range of terrible dating profiles as possible :)