Blake On Love

A blog all about one thing

Terrible Dating Profiles #5

Terrible Dating Profiles #5

A couple of weeks ago, I decided I would stop dating for a while.

I mean, don't get me wrong. If Colin Firth in his younger days, or Joseph Gordon-Levitt - or anyone that looks fit let's be honest - asks me out, then I shall go to the ball.

What I mean is, I'm not *actively* looking.

I was getting too worked up about guys texting me back, if they wanted a second date, if they liked me, yadda yadda - even if I wasn't really that bothered about them. Because I'm ridiculous. So I'm taking a pause, to see if I can stop being so ridiculous.

But don't fear, my lovely readers. While I may not be going out on actual dates with some of the, erm, 'detritus' (for want of a better word) on these apps, I will certainly keep swiping to look for more and more Terrible Dating Profiles. Well, someone has to do it.

Wait, no they don't, why aren't I going out and spending time with my friends instead of wasting my free time swiping through losers?!

Ah just kidding, you know I love it.

And on that note...



Look. I feel like if I actually met JJ in person, he'd (maybe) be an alright guy (I know, I'm going soft).

But it is his dating profile that I am judging, not his IRL likability and so.

I mean it's just a personal thing but anyone who starts their Tinder profile with their zodiac sign just sends me huge blaring warning signals, something along the lines of: ALERT ALERT, MORON WHO BELIEVES IN NONSENSE ALERT.

But it is the last line which really got me.

I mean, I'm also looking for nice smelling people, don't get me wrong.

I'm just not sure I'd be specifying it in my profile. I'd hope it was a given that I'd be attracted to people who can wash their bodies regularly!!?!?!?

Simple pleasures.


Look, Manuel, no-one is denying that your arse is lovely. No, really, it's a thing of beauty.

But when all your photos are of your semi-naked body and none showing your face, culminating in this one where you are sort of splayed out like you're about to go to sleep, then I take objection.

What happened to just showing nice smiley pics of yourself? Why do you have to take yourself so seriously on Tinder? Man, I hate dating.


Just picture someone repeatedly banging their head against the wall, shouting: 'Why, why, WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND SOMEONE NORMAL, WHY' and that was basically me when I read this profile.

Oh sure, he explains it all away at the end by saying 'JEEZ, IT'S JUST BANTER, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CHILL OUT'.

But - and maybe this is just me here - but I don't realllllly find sexual aggressive and dominant language that appealing or funny??!?!?!?!?

Is this what banter has come to? Just threatening a girl with sex and then saying, oh it's just jokes, why u so serious?

If so, then banter is shit and I am happy being labelled a bore.

What happened to just listing a few interests and asking a girl out for a drink!? IS THIS SO MUCH TO ASK.

Well, once you read the next one, you'll agree with me that apparently, it is.



(Thanks to my friend Esra for submitting this horror show of a first message).

Please send any terrible dating profiles you've seen on a dating app recently to me at either anonymously or with the name you want me to credit the image with.

I muzz all personal details including faces from dating profiles to protect the privacy of the unsuspecting people who made them.

I am a straight cis woman so my posts will be of terrible male profiles - but guest submissions are welcome and encouraged from absolutely everyone. It would be wonderful to roast as diverse a range of terrible dating profiles as possible :)

Terrible Dating Profiles #6

Terrible Dating Profiles #6

How To Be Single For A Year (When You're A Relationship Person)

How To Be Single For A Year (When You're A Relationship Person)