Terrible Dating Profiles #5
A couple of weeks ago, I decided I would stop dating for a while.
I mean, don't get me wrong. If Colin Firth in his younger days, or Joseph Gordon-Levitt - or anyone that looks fit let's be honest - asks me out, then I shall go to the ball.
What I mean is, I'm not *actively* looking.
I was getting too worked up about guys texting me back, if they wanted a second date, if they liked me, yadda yadda - even if I wasn't really that bothered about them. Because I'm ridiculous. So I'm taking a pause, to see if I can stop being so ridiculous.
But don't fear, my lovely readers. While I may not be going out on actual dates with some of the, erm, 'detritus' (for want of a better word) on these apps, I will certainly keep swiping to look for more and more Terrible Dating Profiles. Well, someone has to do it.
Wait, no they don't, why aren't I going out and spending time with my friends instead of wasting my free time swiping through losers?!
Ah just kidding, you know I love it.
And on that note...
Look. I feel like if I actually met JJ in person, he'd (maybe) be an alright guy (I know, I'm going soft).
But it is his dating profile that I am judging, not his IRL likability and so.
I mean it's just a personal thing but anyone who starts their Tinder profile with their zodiac sign just sends me huge blaring warning signals, something along the lines of: ALERT ALERT, MORON WHO BELIEVES IN NONSENSE ALERT.
But it is the last line which really got me.
I mean, I'm also looking for nice smelling people, don't get me wrong.
I'm just not sure I'd be specifying it in my profile. I'd hope it was a given that I'd be attracted to people who can wash their bodies regularly!!?!?!?
Look, Manuel, no-one is denying that your arse is lovely. No, really, it's a thing of beauty.
But when all your photos are of your semi-naked body and none showing your face, culminating in this one where you are sort of splayed out like you're about to go to sleep, then I take objection.
What happened to just showing nice smiley pics of yourself? Why do you have to take yourself so seriously on Tinder? Man, I hate dating.
Just picture someone repeatedly banging their head against the wall, shouting: 'Why, why, WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND SOMEONE NORMAL, WHY' and that was basically me when I read this profile.
Oh sure, he explains it all away at the end by saying 'JEEZ, IT'S JUST BANTER, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CHILL OUT'.
But - and maybe this is just me here - but I don't realllllly find sexual aggressive and dominant language that appealing or funny??!?!?!?!?
Is this what banter has come to? Just threatening a girl with sex and then saying, oh it's just jokes, why u so serious?
If so, then banter is shit and I am happy being labelled a bore.
What happened to just listing a few interests and asking a girl out for a drink!? IS THIS SO MUCH TO ASK.
Well, once you read the next one, you'll agree with me that apparently, it is.
I GIVE UP.
(Thanks to my friend Esra for submitting this horror show of a first message).
Please send any terrible dating profiles you've seen on a dating app recently to me at firstname.lastname@example.org either anonymously or with the name you want me to credit the image with.
I muzz all personal details including faces from dating profiles to protect the privacy of the unsuspecting people who made them.
I am a straight cis woman so my posts will be of terrible male profiles - but guest submissions are welcome and encouraged from absolutely everyone. It would be wonderful to roast as diverse a range of terrible dating profiles as possible :)