Terrible Dating Profiles #4: OKCupid Messages - Special Edition
You have not experienced true dating despair until you have been on OKCupid.
As I mentioned last week, I recently downloaded the free app, which is well known for being a veritable breeding ground for weirdos and scumbags everywhere.
How bad can it be, though, I thought, as I waited for the app to download on my phone, still tragically hoping that I might one day meet the love of my life.
HAHAHAHA! How naïve.
I have received well over 100 messages since last week, and have 1,000 'likes' - YES ONE THOUSAND YOU READ CORRECTLY - from men who have looked at my profile (like I said last week, this isn’t to do with me, I think all girls are subjected to this abject desperation).
How many did I consider chatting back to, out of those 100?
ONE. ONLY ONE MAN SENT A NORMAL MESSAGE THAT SOUNDED LIKE IT CAME FROM A HUMAN IN THE REAL WORLD. Think about that.
However depressing the experience was, the OKCupid excursion has provided me with excellent fodder for this series, so forgive me for diverting away from the usual format of roasting profiles, to instead tear apart some of the messages I received this week.
I am a lazy dating app user and hate writing about myself so my profiles usually just contain a reference to Alan Partridge, inviting future dates to come and check out a cracking owl sanctuary with me (see for yourself, above).
Now, even if you’re not an Alan Partridge fan, most people on Tinder and Bumble usually clock that this is a reference to something. Because nobody in their mid 20s likes owls SO MUCH that it’s the first thing they put on their profile.
But OKCupid, a virtual toilet where dignity goes to die, is home to a very special sort of person: the kind with no self awareness or sense of humour.
I have absolutely loved the number of peole who have GENUINELY thought I completely loved owls and wished to visit a sanctuary with them.
Below is a short selection but I’ve received maybe 30 similar messages?
DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK
I don’t usually engage with arseholes. If they message me on an app with a disgusting message, I just delete and move on.
But this guy. Ooooooh yes, this sack of shite-covered pus, he got me angry.
I moved quickly past the fact he was asking a complete STRANGER for her number without any sort of prior interaction, and took mostly against his hideously aggressive tone.
And then the aggression became sexual, obviously, because this guy is scum of the earth. My skin was crawling – probably not the effect he was trying to have on me.
I cannot believe for one second the petulant child approach has ever worked for him. Or that he would have the balls to try this in real life.
Imagine. I mean, it takes guts to approach someone in a bar, and if you do it, you’d probably say something along the lines of: ‘Hi, sorry, I just saw you across the bar, and wow, you look absolutely amazing and just wondered if I could buy you a drink?’
But Lord Dickhead over here would apparently just go up to the girl and shout: ‘GIVE ME YOUR WHATSAPP, NOW,' in her face, with his red buggy face trickling with sweat, a vein popping on his forehead, Coke stuffed up his nostrils.
And if he hadn’t convinced the girl he was about to mug her, he’d then scream in her face: ‘BUT I WANT YOU’ when she inevitably said no.
And shortly after, the police would arrive because this friends, constitutes aggressive harassment.
Un-fucking-believable. Maybe never, prick.
It’s not every day a girl is proposed to, is it? Rather exciting really. I almost felt giddy.
It’s a shame in this case I don’t seem to get a say in the matter, as this prick is very adamant ‘he marry me’.
But beggars can’t be choosers, right? On with the wedding, then! I'll send you all an invite.
No wait, yes they can be choosers, and I think I’ll pass, cheers.
Good luck on the marrying, u.
Please send any terrible dating profiles you've seen on a dating app recently to me at email@example.com either anonymously or with the name you want me to credit the image with.
I muzz all personal details including faces from dating profiles to protect the privacy of the unsuspecting people who made them.
I am a straight cis woman so my posts will be of terrible male profiles - but guest submissions are welcome and encouraged from absolutely everyone. It would be wonderful to roast as diverse a range of terrible dating profiles as possible :)