Terrible Dating Profiles #3
The government may be in chaos, but one thing that remains strong and stable is the number of terrible dating profiles.
Having said that, it took me a lot longer to find truly awful examples this week - maybe the general election result has made me look more positively at the world...
Nah, that can't be it. They've just had a lucky escape this week.
I added to my collection of dating apps this week and set up an OK Cupid account. It's been... eye-opening. I've had I swear to God 20 messages in an hour, help. This is NOT a good thing, and you would agree if you saw the state of chat-up lines I'm being sent (this could become a spin-off series).
Anyway, moving onto this week's "finest" specimens...
Has that line ever really worked for you?
Yeah yeah, put it down to "banter" and my "poor sense of humour".
But Jordan, that "sit on my face" line was on the popular dating Instagram page Tinder Nightmares this week, so it's not even original.
Disgusting, yes, full credit to you for that one.
Liam's profile is... long. Like, so long. It's an actual ESSAY (and not a very good one).
If you can't be bothered to read through his school report, sorry, I mean dating profile, let me do a TLDR summing up for you.
Liam likes himself. He may even be in love with himself. He writes loftily to impress you with his cleverness, before descending into a bizarre hashtag FUNNY description of himself that boasts just how many qualifications he has (I've had to muzz them out for privacy reasons).
Liam, this is coming from someone with absolutely no chill. But please, chill.
Full disclosure, I show my two best friends the profiles I'm going to use before I post them online - literally because I use Whatsapp's editing software to edit the pictures before I upload them here because I haven't figured out a way to do it as easily on my computer yet (yeah, I know, it's pathetic).
Anyway, they get to have a glimpse at the poor souls I torment every week. Usually, they laugh (or cry) at the state of them.
But Martin? They love Martin! 'Leave Martin alone!' one of my mates said.
But no, anyone who starts an OK Cupid conversation with 'What's your favourite vegetable?' will not be spared.
I used to ask such dull, inane questions to wind up my mates during games of Truth or Dare when I was THIRTEEN, THAT'S THIRTEEN MARTIN.
I gather from your username you're into crops, and gardening, and that's fine Martin, it really is. Just rethink your entry question, or perhaps find a niche gardening Tinder?
I honestly have no doubt you would, Hamza.
Hey, at least he's honest. In fact, I think this is the best Tinder profile I've seen all year.
THAT'S HOW BAD MY DATING HISTORY HAS BEEN IN THE LAST YEAR PEOPLE, THERE IS NO HOPE, ONLY SUFFERING, WHY IS IT SO HARD TO MEET NORMAL PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WANT TO DATE YOU FOR MORE THAN A SECOND, WHYYYYYY
Sorry got a bit carried away, tune in next week folks when I recover my sanity and possibly my dignity (not likely) to go in search of more stallions.
If you've seen any terrible dating profiles that you think need to be roasted, please send them in to me at firstname.lastname@example.org either anonymously or with the name you want me to credit the image with.
I am a straight cis woman so profiles I have found will be male, but EVERYONE regardless of gender and sexuality is welcome, and encouraged, to submit a truly terribly dating profile they've seen.
I muzz all personal details including faces and excluding first names from dating profiles to protect the privacy of the unsuspecting people behind them.