Terrible Dating Profiles #2
I logged onto Tinder for the first time in about a week and a half the other day.
‘Maybe this time,’ I dreamed, idealistically, with a desperate twinkle in my eye. ‘They won’t all be scumbags.’
But this was the first profile that flashed up on my screen.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The state of Tinder profiles today, for crying out loud.
Ok, where do I even begin with this?
I’m going to move quickly past the fact his main photo is a picture of him wearing what must be his dad’s old shirt in his bright purple boxers in what I think is a TK Maxx changing room (nothing inherently wrong with that, love a TK Maxx, but odd choice of venue for your Tinder selfie).
His first informative bio comment? ‘Healthy’.
Well, good to know I suppose. Unusual bit of info to divulge before say, what you do for a living, your interests, or even your film taste, but I can let that slide. I mean, we shouldn’t assume that everyone is healthy, after all.
And then suddenly it goes from 0 to HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, WHY WOULD YOU PUT THAT ON A TINDER PROFILE, NOW MY MUM IS PROBABLY GOING TO SEE IT AS SHE READS THIS BLOG AND THAT IS NOT MRS BLAKE APPROVED.
Look, I’m not going to judge (total lie). Maybe that’s your thing, I had no idea that was even a preference people have, but then, I’m clearly not the target audience for this absolute filth.
And then when you think it can't get worse, it really really does.
It just makes me think that he’s probably never spoken to a woman for more than 10 seconds in his life, other than to shout ‘nice tits’ at her.
Anyway, I think we’ve established Zac possibly just maybe isn’t the man for me?
Onto other honourable mentions this week, and it’s my very first guest submission (thank you India Block. She tells me she's been using Tinder on and off since 'bloody 2013'. Feel your pain, girl).
Anyway I genuinely hope this profile is a joke because if this is serious, then I genuinely give up and despair for all humanity (again).
Caitlin appears to be an attractive woman who enjoys making her horse stand in the shallows of the sea while she does weird twisty things to her hand in the air.
Seriously, look at her hand a bit closer, looks like a crab.
The bio must be a joke, surely. I hope. And I pray.
If you can’t see it clearly it reads: ‘I unfriended my mother on facebook because she wouldn’t loan me 9 thousand dollars.’
Ugh. It’s a joke I don’t really get, sure, but it must be one, please god, it must be one.
Though judging from her picture, she may well be one of those Rich Kid Brats in which case, go do one, Caitlin.
Another submission from the lovely India.
Who luckily did not go on a date with Rick.
RICK IS A BUSY MAN, HE HAS NO TIME FOR IDLE ONLINE CHIT CHAT, AFTER ALL DATES ARE NOT DONE BY EMAILS, EVEN THOUGH THIS IS TINDER, AND NO EMAILS WILL BE EXCHANGED!
Personally, Rick, I’m here for meets and dates with normal humans rather than scumbag robot men, but then that’s just me.
Also, I’m not your type, I like my coffees inconvenient and ideally better than fine.
If you've seen any terrible dating profiles that you think need to be roasted, please send them in to me at firstname.lastname@example.org either anonymously or with the name you want me to credit the image with.
I am a straight cis woman so profiles I have found will be male, but EVERYONE regardless of gender and sexuality is welcome, and encouraged, to submit a truly terribly dating profile they've seen.
I muzz all personal details including faces and excluding first names from dating profiles to protect the privacy of the unsuspecting people behind them.