Blake On Love

A blog all about one thing

Terrible Dating Profiles #1

Terrible Dating Profiles #1

I found these staggeringly terrible Tinder profiles within FIVE, yes, FIVE minutes of swiping. Pity us singles, oh coupled ones.

THIBAULT

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Thibault doesn’t have a bio. Or any interests.

Or a face because his main photo is this one of a Ferrari. Which maybe he owns. Or maybe he wishes he owns. Probably that one.

Who gives a shit, Thibault, is anyone actually impressed by a flash car these days? I’m sure it became synonymous with being a complete douche bag a long time ago.

He has one more photo. A picture of the front of Harrods. Why? Why? Just why? No honestly can someone tell me why - does this mean he shops there and is implying he has loads of cash? Is that it?

Or does he really like the building, I mean it’s a classic bit of architecture after all.

In any case, Thibault, no-one likes a show off. You douche.

MADS

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Mads has one picture and that is of an attractive woman sucking on a man’s hand that is tattooed with the word ‘SWAG’ with a letter for each finger.

God only knows what he’s got on his thumb.

Is this a picture of Mads, or a famous image I’m supposed to recognise?

I don’t care. I don't really want to suck on your fingers, thanks very much, Mads.

FABIO

Now Fabio seems nice and normal enough…

Until you look a bit closer at the first photo on his profile… AND OH MY GOD HE HAS A THIRD HAND ON HIS HIP AND THERE’S NO-ONE BEHIND HIM WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, JESUS H CHRIST.

He has two hands in other pictures, and no mysterious third appendage, so what is this?? Is he hugging his own waist?

I’m so confused, a bit terrified. 

DUTCH

If you’re looking for someone ‘wild’, Dutch, maybe don’t include a photo of you on your phone when you’re clearly at a social gathering which is probably the least wild and most boring thing for someone to do when they’re out with their friends.

God I hate it when people are on their phone and they’re supposed to be hanging with their mates. Just put it AWAY, you god damn tech addict, we only see each other every three months anyway now because organising a meet up on a day where everyone is miraculously free is as painful as stepping on an upturned plug socket. Which I did this morning, and it hurts, a lot, take my word for it.

Sorry I got distracted from the point.

Dutch, you’re a douche.

PONTUS

This guy is:

(P)robably

(R)eally

(I)rritating and

(C)ompletely

(K)nobbish

 

If you've seen any terrible dating profiles that you think need to be roasted, please send them in to me at imogengblake@gmail.com either anonymously or with the name you want me to credit the image with.

I am a straight cis woman so my posts will be of male profiles, but EVERYONE is welcome, and encouraged, to submit a truly terribly dating profile they've seen.

I muzz all personal details including faces and excluding first names from dating profiles to protect the privacy of the unsuspecting people behind them.

Love, or in love with love?

Love, or in love with love?